Want To Borrow My Mom?

(No that red devil is not my mom! It's the chemo! Keep reading...) Yesterday was round #4 out of my 4 hardest chemo treatments! Yay! I am now finished with Adriamycin (known as the Red Devil, since it’s a bright red liquid) and Cytoxan. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to drink Kool Aid again after seeing that stuff come through my IV and make me so sick. The steroids and anti-nausea meds from my IV are just about to wear off now, so the side effects of the last round of these 2 drugs will really start hitting me tomorrow. Then I’ll have 12 treatments left of a third drug, Taxol – they will be weekly, starting in 2 weeks, and should be somewhat easier to tolerate. The side effects will be different – neuropathy (tingling in your hands/feet), possible darkening/lifting of fingernails and toenails (meaning I’ll have to sit with them in ice during chemo, boo!), and I will probably lose eyebrows and eyelashes. For some reason this last one really got me – without hair, I feel like all I have left is my face – and now they’re going to take that?! Argh! Anyway, thank you Ben and Mom for coming with me to chemo yesterday! We’re starting to know the nurses now, and see familiar faces in the patient chairs each time we go. I don’t even really bring much with me for entertainment because we end up talking to the people around us. Yesterday I noticed that the young woman (yes, an anomaly in that room!) next to me didn’t have a visitor with her, so I told her I was happy to share my mom with her if she wanted. I have to say, it did get her attention! But not as much as when my mom handed me her Neiman’s card to buy some towels online with. (Because the ones she got us at Christmas were backordered then cancelled – don’t get too excited.) Then I told her that even though I'd share my mom, I wasn’t quite willing to share my husband. Hey, enough is enough, even when we’re stuck in the infusion room for so long.

Today I went back (as always) for my follow-up shot of Neulasta. It’s supposed to help boost my white blood cell count after chemo lowers it so much. It also makes my bones and muscles ache really badly, like when you’re getting the flu, times 100. I recently found out this teeny little shot they give me in my stomach costs $8,000! How crazy is that! And I’ve had 4 of them already. We could buy a car for that! And that doesn't even count my surgeries or the chemo itself. Good thing for health insurance.

Last but definitely not least, I want to mention that our little girl turned 18 months this week – 1 ½ years old! She is a constant reminder to me of how fast life goes by. Ben and I took her to a field of bluebonnets for a photo op, just like we did last year, when she could barely sit up. I can’t believe what a difference a year makes. I can’t wait until this time next year, when all of this is behind us!

The Cure

I cannot wait until there is a cure for breast cancer. I hope that in Stella’s lifetime, we will all be able to look back on this time the same way we look back on the days when the flu did not have a cure. If you get the flu now, no one thinks twice about it – you are just out for a few days, then you get well. My wish is that someday, when women get diagnosed with breast cancer, they will be able to go through the treatment – hopefully much easier than the surgery/chemo/radiation options now – then go back to their lives, without worrying about it coming back. Until then, I will do everything I can to support research and funding to get us there! I am so grateful to my wonderful friends who have just organized a team for the Susan G Komen race in Fort Worth. It’s coming up on April 14 and they have formed an official "Team Alli." I have never felt so honored. It’s already made me cry – I just hope I can keep it together on race day! If you want to join – anyone is welcome – just click here. An extra special thanks to Meredith, Anna, and Tiffany for going the extra mile putting this together, and to everyone who has already signed up. I can’t wait to see the shirt design! If you sign up on our team and would like a shirt, let me know and we’ll get one ordered for you.

Chemo update: I’ve been recovering from round 3, which was a little better than the first two. Maybe it’s because I knew what to expect, I’m not sure. It was nice having Ben take me again – I don’t know what I’d do without him! The side effects are definitely adding up – chemo wreaks havoc on the entire digestive system, but I’m doing my best to live life to the fullest between treatments. I got down to 99 pounds yesterday. Thank you to Ben for taking me for a big meal at Benihana! It’s weird to purposely order food with more calories (fried rice instead of steamed, etc) – but I am trying! I'm glad I only have one more round of chemo that includes the red devil. Then I will go for 12 weekly treatments of Taxol, which supposedly has different side effects, but may be a little easier to handle. I guess we'll see!

I got an e-mail today from my brother saying that because of my blog, a friend of his (L) and her friend (C) both went for mammograms. L’s came back clean, but her friend C’s did not. I want her to know my thoughts and prayers are going out to her right now – I am so sorry to hear of the diagnosis, but hopeful, because they caught it early, when she may not have gone in otherwise because of how young she is. And that is exactly why I am sharing my story, even when it’s difficult. My hope is that each of us who goes through this journey can touch a life and possibly save someone, until we find the cure.

Top 10 Benefits of Not Having Hair

10. I don’t have to waste 5 seconds pulling my hair back with a clip to wash my face anymore!

9. I save time getting ready in the morning by not having to fix my hair.

8. It’s not shedding everywhere anymore.

7. It will not blow in my face if I roll down the windows in the car!

6. I have lots of pretty scarves now. And 3 different wigs to choose from! Who do I want to be today?

5. I’ll save money on shampoo, hairspray, and electricity (hair dryer)!

4. Stella learned a new word: hat!

3. The lady who cut it all off at the salon said I look like GI Jane (1997 Demi Moore movie). (I’m sure she tells everyone that!)

2. Stella won’t remember this – and still recognizes and loves me.

1. Ben says I am beautiful no matter what! (and I’m doing my best to believe him!)

I’m just grateful this is only temporary. As my uncle says – my hair will grow back – his won’t! It should start coming back when I finish chemo, which should be the end of June. The countdown’s on!

Hair Now, Gone Tomorrow

You know that feeling you get when your ponytail’s too tight? And it’s been pulled too tight all day long, for about three days straight? That’s what it feels like right before your hair falls out. For the past few days, I’ve nearly filled up the entire bathroom trashcan every day with clumps of my hair. So, Ben stepped in just when I needed him and added hair stylist to his resume – on Sunday, he cut 6 inches off my hair! But honestly I only have a day or two left, even with this short haircut, before I become scarf/wig girl. It’s getting pretty thin. I really think the process of losing my hair strand by strand is much worse than it being already gone, so I just made an appointment for this Thursday to get my hair cut at the salon where we got my wig. They might be able to do a pixie cut if there’s any left - we'll see! And they will also fit my wig exactly to my head. Then I will officially be scarf/wig girl. But if I see you before then, ask my to do my party trick and I’ll pull my hair out for you!

Other than that, I’ve been recovering from Thursday’s chemo. It hit me on Saturday HARD. I was in bed, blinds closed, in my cave until nearly 5:00. It was different this time – instead of nausea and fatigue, it was a splitting headache, bone pains, body aches (like you have the flu, but times ten), nausea, and fatigue. But by Sunday I was moving around, and Monday feeling even better. It comes and goes in waves. Yesterday it was fun to have Stella’s cousin Ella come over for a playdate, with my aunt and my mom. You can see in the picture how much fun they were having, putting gummy bunnies on the window while I read a card from my aunt. (You can also see how short my hair is now! There is much less today though, since I took another shower – apparently the worst thing you can do when you are losing your hair.) And thank you Sarah, Lindsey, and Trammell for helping me feel normal last night! I’m looking forward to the next nine days of feeling even better, before I go back for more chemo fun, a week from Thursday. Trying to get some work done and rest when I can. As long as Stella and Ben still recognize (and love) me through all this, I’ll be ok – and I couldn’t ask for two more supportive people in the whole world.

Round Two, And Realizing My New Fear

Today was my second chemo treatment (14 more to go!). My sweet friend Ashley gave up her day to pick me up, drive me to the hospital, and sit in the official visitor chair next to my chemo lounge chair (sorry it’s not as comfy)! She even helped me pick up Stella from mother’s day out afterwards – good thing we have babies the same age and she had a car seat – we got there just in time. Today was almost exactly like the first time. I met with Dr. M., and she asked how I’ve felt the last two weeks. I told her my symptoms and she said I’m doing very well compared to a lot of patients! But then again – we looked around and noticed there were a LOT of older patients there – I mean oooooolder, with wheelchairs and canes. It really makes me realize how surreal this is that I’m going through cancer treatment at my age. But again, I feel lucky to be stage 1 and will do whatever it takes (however many rounds of poison!) to get me back to my healthy self again. I got my steroids, anti-nausea meds, Red Devil (Adriamycin), and Cytoxan (the second actual chemo drug)….made my appointment to get a shot tomorrow, then come back in 2 weeks, and we were outta there by 2:15! 

Most patients start losing their hair between days 10 and 14. So on days 10, 11, 12, and 13, I just pulled my hair and laughed – nothing! All there! Until yesterday (day 14)…..I started losing a few strands. They are now officially coming out when I run my fingers through my hair, 2 or 3 strands at a time – or I will look down on my shirt and see that 1 or 2 more fell out. Thank you very much Adriamycin and Cytoxan! It hasn't been a lot – but definitely enough to let me know what’s coming. I will be careful showering and blowdrying my hair, just to have a few more days of “normal,” but in the next 2-3 weeks, that will probably be it. I will call the salon where I got my wig and scarves to make my official shave-the-head appointment – or pixie cut? Who knows? But you know I will keep you updated!

Last but not least, I realized today I have a new fear. Not a fear of heights, or spiders, or anything normal. It’s a fear of not being able to repay all of the wonderful things friends and family have done for us lately. It honestly keeps me up at night now! (which defeats the purpose, I know, I promise I will try to go back to sleep) And my thank-you note list is only growing – which makes me feel guilty! But I know you all understand and will tell me not to write notes, even though you know I will – so just please know they will come one day. Today alone, I had my husband, mom, and brother e-mailing/texting/calling me all day to make sure chemo was going ok, Ashley there with me, 2 cards in the mail, cookies on my doorstep (thank you Joy!), a package in the mail this afternoon (thank you MB!), and countless friends checking on me. This weekend we have friends bringing us dinners – on the exact days I know I will feel the worst and not feel like cooking. So, as my first entry in the Journal of Gratitude I received today (thank you MB!), I want to say one more time that I am eternally grateful for all of your support – it’s what gives me the strength to fight through all of this – and I honestly look forward to recovery, just so I can put my soon-to-be-bald head to work when YOU all need something next!

Showering Counts As An Accomplishment

I’m taking a short break from working on the bridal magazine to post an update – so many of you have been so nice to reach out and ask how I’ve been doing – and how Ben's been doing – since my first chemo treatment. I have to admit, it was rougher than I expected. The actual treatment wasn’t that bad, or even the day after when I had to go back to get a shot to boost my white blood cells (which get depleted by the chemo). It was the third day that it really hit me (Saturday). The nausea and fatigue literally kept me in bed until 3:00 – and that is so not me, I hated it. If it weren’t for my wonderful husband taking care of our daughter, I don’t know how I could have gotten through that day. Or Sunday for that matter. My biggest accomplishment that day was a shower! It’s not that I was actually throwing up, just so nauseated that nothing sounded good to eat, except maybe a bite of apple to take my meds with, or a baby carrot. Pretty pathetic. And all I wanted to do was sleep, and then sleep some more. The following whole week was actually pretty bad. I’ve never found it difficult to eat, but it sure has been lately. I know what you’re thinking – what a fun problem to have – but it’s honestly stressful. To see the numbers on the scale drop nearly into the double digits makes me see how serious this disease is. Actually it’s not the disease itself, but the side effects of the treatment. Regardless, it’s scary. I’m sure a lot of people would love to lose a few pounds – but definitely not this way.

But on magical day 9 (yesterday), things finally started to look up, and I was able to function like myself again for a full day. Well, not everything is back to normal – even a glass of wine sounds terrible. (Our wine fridge is getting lonely – no one has come to visit it lately. Anyone want some pinot?!) I tried a glass last week and I thought it would help but, not really. At least I’m able to eat again – and even found that one tiny little perk of going through this nightmare is that now I get to try and actually gain weight for once! I had a great Mexican food lunch yesterday with my new friend Nicole. She is a friend of a friend of mine from TCU, and on the tail end of her battle with breast cancer. She has had so much helpful advice for me along this journey so far – and even thought to bring me her old wig and some fun scarves – so look out world, I’ll have not one, but two new hairdo’s this coming year! This week I have also met a friend of my neighbor’s, and reconnected with a sorority sister from college, who have both beaten cancer, and it has done wonders for me in terms of knowing what to expect, and knowing that my life can and will go on like normal after this is all over.

Today I felt so good that my mom (Stella’s Mimi) came over from Fort Worth, and on her way she stopped by Sabrina Gebhardt’s because our photo CD was ready! You can see a few of the photos here in this post, and also in my previous post here. I’m so grateful for her doing this photo session for us – what an honor to be chosen by such a talented photographer.

Once Mimi arrived, we all went out to lunch (Mexican food again, of course!) and then to the Arboretum. It was beautiful weather and Stella was having so much fun running across the huge fields and pointing out all the flowers – that’s a lot of flowers by the way! Then we came home for her record-long, two-hour nap. (Apparently we need to do that more often!) 

I have officially cancelled my haircut for this coming week, by the way. I decided I’m going to start scaring everyone by pulling clumps of my hair out while I talk to you – haha, that made me laugh just typing that. Actually, I’ve been told by several people who’ve been through breast cancer that sometimes you get to keep your hair much longer than day 10 or 12 (after starting chemo) – sometimes until day 14 or even 17! So – why go and cut perfectly good hair off when I can have a few more days of feeling normal? That’s right, I’m keeping it until the last minute. Take that, cancer!

That’s about all I have as far as updates. Today there are no photos from my hospital bed, images of syringes full of the Red Devil, or illustrations of how cancer spreads to lymph nodes. Just happy photos to remind us all of what life is all about. We are still eternally grateful to our friends and family who continually send cards, bring food, help with Stella, and ask how we are doing as we fight this battle. And I’m grateful that I have a few more days to feel like myself (and get some work done!) before my next round of chemo this coming Thursday. Just to be healed enough from surgery to change my baby girl’s diaper, to feel energetic enough to unload the dishes, and to be able to stay up late enough past Stella’s bedtime (that’s 7:30 pm) to work on my graphic design business are things I never would have appreciated before. But now it’s the small things that are really big things. We will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Our perspectives have forever changed – on what’s important in life, and what’s not.

And as Hoda Kotb said (yes I love the Today Show!), “Still, the most surprising side effects of [breast] cancer is that it has given me more courage than I ever thought possible. My life after cancer is more courageous and more honest and fuller than my life before. So to the woman with cancer who is in her bed right now and feeling so sick she doesn’t want to even think about getting out of bed, I know how you’re feeling. And take it from me, I know going forward it’s going to bet getter. God gave me a second chance, and yours is about to start. Welcome to the sisterhood of breast cancer survivors. There’s not a stronger, prouder or more determined group of women out there.” Thank you Hoda!

1 Down, 15 To Go!

Today was my very first chemo treatment (out of 16 total). I had no idea what to expect - which was the worst part for me, being a planner and someone who likes to know what's coming next. But the doctor and all the nurses were so incredibly nice and helpful, and explained everything as we went. Hopefully none of you ever have to go through this, but maybe you are just curious or being a super wonderful friend/family member and checking on me. So here’s the scoop! 

My rock (that's Ben of course!) helped me get Peanut ready this morning, then we dropped her off at Mother’s Day Out at 9:30 – she goes to Wilshire Baptist Church and her 3 teachers (Ms Rosemary, Ms Elizabeth, and Ms Anahi)  are so amazing. They know what we are going through and take such good care of our baby girl there. They sent extra prayers our way today – and thank you to everyone else for the texts and e-mails this morning too – they mean the world to us.

So about 30 minutes before my treatment, I put my numbing cream on my port. The port was surgically implanted under the skin in my chest a few weeks ago, and is a permanent place to connect an IV – they hook up my IV line to it each time for chemo. We arrived at 10:00 at Presby – the whole 7th floor of one of the professional buildings next to the hospital is Texas Oncology. I had blood drawn to make sure my levels were good to get started, then we met with Dr. M. first – she answered all our questions about what to expect today, and then her nurse accessed my port with a Huber needle. Basically that means she put a hook-shaped needle through my skin and into the port, which will take the medicine straight to the veins by my heart, to be distributed around my body.

Then we went to the infusion room – which is a big room full of lounge chairs for the patients, and uncomfy chairs for the visitors. (Sorry Ben! Husband of the year!) Let’s just say I was definitely the youngest patient by far – as in, it seemed like everyone around me was in a wheelchair. Our favorite nurse, Nikki, came by to say hi – she taught our chemo class (private class with just Ben, my mom, and me) and is so sweet. She is married and expecting her first, so it is fun to talk about things other than cancer/chemo with her too – I’m so happy for her!

The nurse started saline in my IV to flush it out, followed by two different anti-nausea meds that will help me through the next 3-5 days (the worst days for nausea, apparently) and I also have 3 different prescription pills already filled that I can take in the following weeks when this wears off. Then they put a steroid (decadron) into my IV, which helps counteract the other side effects. After all these pre-meds had gone in, the real chemo meds started. First she put Cytoxan in. This whole process is a little anti-climactic because I felt just fine during the actual chemo – it’s not until later that the side effects will hit me. It dripped through the IV, while Ben and I munched on some snacks, chatted with each other, worked on our laptops, and played on our iPhones.

Then the nurse pushed the second chemo drug, Adriamycin, in (the red devil!) through a syringe, into the port. She said they like to tell patients it’s the “red badge of courage” – but I still like to call it the red devil because it’s going in my body to destroy whatever cancer cells might be lurking and it should have a mean name – ha! So as of now, so far, so good! The side effects won’t kick in until the next few days. Lastly, they flushed my port with saline and then heparin, which keeps a clot from forming in the catheter of my port. At the end of about 4 hours, we were free to go – and pick up Stella – yay! The future treatments shouldn't take quite as long, but again – whatever it takes to knock this thing out is what we're up for!

 

My friend Marlo forwarded me an e-mail today from Anthropologie – apparently scarves are going to be in this year – sweet! Thank you Marlo for that e-mail. Anthropologie is featuring them in their ads, and although normally I’m not a scarf girl, I guess in a couple weeks, I'm about to be! So thanks for that scoop – and to the fashion world for making them a little trendier this year. Anyone who wants to join me – feel free! ;)

The cutest older man came around to all the patients today and gave each of us roses. He said God works miracles here at Presby, and gave me a rose. I feel like I’m on the Bachelor! I said I will definitely accept this rose – thank you so much. He has been a patient here for a while and is getting better every day. He thinks everyone is so nice and gave not only the patients but the nurses roses too. Just such a nice touch to have positive people around!

The countdown now begins – only 15 more treatments to go! And I promise I will not update this blog every time. Just giving y'all the lowdown on the process and how the first day went. I will be doing this same treatment every 2 weeks for four treatments. Then I start my weekly treatments of Taxol (a third chemo drug). But we’ll get to that later. Hope everyone is having a great week!