“Lucky” - But Only Five Days Til The Red Devil

I may not post every day, but when I do, let's just say I'm very thorough. :) Or as Ben likes to say, as a girl, I have lots of words to get out - which I fully admit! So today I’m going to start with some happy news! This week Ben and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary! We’ve actually been together for 6 years – we dated a year and were engaged almost a year, but it is amazing to look back on everything we’ve been through. That day we got married (the happiest day of my life, in addition to the day our daughter was born) – we had no idea what was to come. However, I wouldn't have changed a thing, and I think it is a testament to our vows – in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, that we have not only stuck it out, and love each other more every single day, but everything that has happened has not only brought us closer together, but made us appreciate life in general more because of it. You just never know what can happen next! 

Starting out, the struggles of infertility and going through IVF only made us realize how much we really wanted a child together, whom we adore and love so much now. Then spending almost a month in the NICU with her when she was born early made us realize how precious and fragile life is. And once again, we are learning that life is precious and fragile for us too. Ben reminds me every day that this is not just my fight, but “our” fight, and knowing that I have him on my team makes going through this a million times better. Lately we have been to more follow-up doctor appointments, a chemo class (to learn all the side effects of what can happen to me during my treatments), and had more visits and dinners from friends than ever in our lives. I am trying my best to consider myself "lucky" – as hard as that is to say when I have been diagnosed with cancer – because of the fact that it was stage 1, I am under the care of such wonderful doctors, and have the best support system I could ever ask for.

Many of you have been asking when I start chemo. I am officially set to start my first treatment session at 10 am this Thursday, February 16. I’m looking forward to my friend Kim going with me – she is definitely an expert after being there for her mom through her treatments for so long. I will have 16 treatments over the course of the next 5 months. Each treatment, they will take my blood beforehand to make sure my white blood cells, red blood cells, platelet count, hemoglobin, and about 15 other markers look ok to proceed – so there is always a chance I would have to postpone a chemo session. But not if I can help it! So far, my counts look good and we’re ready to start. Each treatment, they will start by giving me some fluids in my IV such as antibiotics, steroids, and anti-nausea medicine. Hopefully these will help me fight my fight and stay as well as possible. The first 4 treatments (every other Thursday), I’ll get two drugs: Adriamycin (known as the red devil!), a really strong red drug pushed through a syringe into the port in my chest (which has already been surgically implanted), followed by Cytoxan, which will be dripped over several hours through an IV that is connected to the same port in my chest. Then I will get 12 weekly treatments of Taxol, which is also given through an IV connected to my port. I’ve been told that I will feel worst on the several days following the actual chemo day, then just as I start to feel better again, I will go through it again. But that’s ok – whatever I have to do to kill any random little breast cancer cells that might even think about floating around in my body, I will do. And they will be sorry they ever messed with me!

I am very grateful that the worst of the 6-7 surgeries (the bilateral mastectomy) is behind me – although I have to admit I had no idea how hard the healing would be. It has been so much worse than a c-section to recover from! I am working hard to be strong and wean myself from the pain pills, although I know they are prescribed to me for a reason. I am doing my best to eat all the delicious food our wonderful friends have brought over – although I have lost so much weight that I am starting to eat anything that sounds good, even if it’s just some carrots. (Thanks Marlo!) A buck-o-five is fun in high school but not healthy for me right now. Speaking of eating, thank you Leah for once again updating our care calendar! If anyone wants to sign up, you can access it here: www.carecalendar.org (calendar ID is 99731, security code is 9737). I cannot even begin to explain how grateful Ben and I have been for the amazing meals you all have been bringing throughout my surgeries so far, and how appreciative we are of the ones to come throughout the chemo process. I’ve been told that chemo makes you feel cumulatively worse, so even though week 1 I might not feel so bad, by the end of the five-month process, I will be pretty fatigued, nauseous, and who knows what else. There are so many medicines now that can counteract the side effects these days and I plan to use them – right along with the support of my friends and family – you all give me as much of a boost as anything else. Love you all!

In other news (related of course!) – my wig came in today! It is a little closer to my natural hair color than my highlighted color – but from far away with squinted eyes, maybe it will pass as my real hair?! hehe.

But seriously, a huge, huge, thanks to my mom for providing me with my hair for the upcoming months/year! And for helping watching Stella while we were at the wig store – and to Ben for being so patient with all of us ladies during the whole process. :) The photos here are of my real wig – although it is going to be trimmed up and thinned out a little, and fit exactly to my head once I lose my hair. I also got a wig called a “halo” – I like to call it my rodeo clown wig! It’s basically a band that goes around your head, with hair that hangs down all around. You wear it under hats or scarves – and it looks like you just have normal hair, except it doesn’t look all big and poofy from having a wig underneath. It’s actually pretty cool! You can see a picture of it under my pink scarf on the left. I also got a couple of scarves to wear without anything underneath – I know I won’t always want to be in a wig, especially in the hot summer.

I also made my official appointment to get my hair completely cut off – down to a pixie cut or shaved to ¼ of an inch, on Feb. 27. Ugh, I’m not looking forward to that! I learned your hair starts coming out in clumps between 10 and 14 days after you start chemo, so they recommend you just go ahead and get it cut off, rather than suffer through losing it all clump by clump. When I go in for that appointment, they will also trim down my wig however I would like it – maybe thin it out a bit since they come really thick, and doesn’t look quite like my real hair (which is not really thick, to say the least)!

So basically, my three looks will be the wig, the partial "rodeo clown" wig with a hat or scarf over it, or just a scarf or hat by itself. I'm doing my best to accept that this will just be the new me - but it's only temporary, and my hair will grow back, I am reminding myself. And if losing my hair is the worst thing that happens, and I get to live a long life for my daughter and husband, then that will be just fine!

Last but not least – thank you to Sabrina Gebhardt (www.sabrinagebhardtphotography.com) for the complimentary photo session you are giving our family before I start chemo (and lose my hair) next week! I am looking forward to having some nice family photos of the three of us at the Arboretum, since we probably won’t be taking many family photos once I’m bald! ;) I think you take amazing photos, and a big thank you to Tiffany Gebhardt (no relation to Sabrina!) for nominating us for her “Give Love” program. You can see a photo of Stella that Sabrina took here (hope that is ok Sabrina!), in the wagon at Michael’s birthday party.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend – thank you again for all the love and support – you all mean the world to us!