Angelina

Hearing so much press on Angelina Jolie has really brought attention to breast cancer and the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes this morning. It seems like in one day, she's gotten more attention than Christina Applegate and Giuliana Rancic combined (the previous celebrity faces of double mastectomies). I have to say I am so proud of her though. As a sex symbol, undergoing a bilateral mastectomy is a tough choice – I’m talking about Angelina, not me! I love how she said "I do not feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity." Well – right, because you are going to be alive! Definitely more feminine and attractive than cancer taking your life. I’m just sayin. When you're told you have an 87% chance of getting breast cancer, you'd have to be dumber than Lindsay Lohan declining a plea deal if you didn't decide to get those body parts replaced with some silicone, before you have to go through cancer, chemo, and all the emotional trauma.

 

I’ve already had several people ask me more about the BRCA genes today. First of all, everyone has the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes, which are tumor suppressors. The names BRCA1 and BRCA2 stand for BReast CAncer susceptibility gene 1, and BReast CAncer susceptibility gene 2. We all have ‘em. But what Angelina and I have (as well as about 5-8% of the population) is a mutation in the gene. Meaning these genes don’t suppress tumors like they are supposed to, especially in breasts and ovaries, so tumors are more likely to grow and become cancer.

 

What’s the difference between the two? The BRCA 2 gene mutation (that I have) means that I have an 84% chance of breast cancer and 27% chance of ovarian cancer by age 70. Ding! It got me at age 35. At age 36, the hysterectomy that I had will prevent the ovarian part. It also means I have a 12% of a second primary breast cancer within 5 years of the first. So, good thing I got the double mastectomy! In case that’s not enough excitement for one person, I also have a 7% chance of pancreatic cancer, and I’m at a higher risk for melanoma, uterine, and fallopian tube cancer – although they don't have exact numbers on those at this time. Well, at least I got rid of the uterine and fallopian tube risks. In men, BRCA2 mutations can cause male breast cancer, early onset prostate cancer, pancreatic cancer, testicular cancer, stomach cancer, and melanoma. My dad and granddad both had prostate cancer AND melanoma 3 times. Thankfully, my dad is alive and doing great! And thankfully, neither my brother nor sister inherited the gene mutation that I did.

 

The BRCA 1 mutation (that Angelina has) means she has up to an 87% chance of breast cancer, a 50% chance of ovarian cancer, and is at increased risk for cervical, uterine, pancreatic, and colon cancer. This gene mutation tends to show up sooner, causing cancers at a younger age. I’m so impressed that she was pro-active enough to get the prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. I hope she decides to do a hysterectomy and/or oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) too, especially since she lost her mom to ovarian cancer at such a young age (56).

 

Obviously such major surgery is a very personal decision. Even getting tested for the mutation in the gene is a pretty big deal. It can cost up to $3,000, although for us, insurance covered most of it, so it was only $400 out of pocket. Pretty crazy bill for just spitting mouthwash into a cup though. (Mine was not a blood test like they keep saying on tv today.) But just remember, even if you have BC in your family, it does not mean you have the gene – only 5-8% of people do. And even if you have the gene, it does not mean you will definitely get cancer. According to estimates of lifetime risk, about 12 percent of women in the general population will develop breast cancer sometime during their lives, compared with about 60 percent of women who have inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. In other words, a woman who has inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is about five times more likely to develop breast cancer than a woman who does not have such a mutation.

 

"For any woman reading this, I hope it helps you to know you have options," Jolie said. "I want to encourage every woman, especially if you have a family history of breast or ovarian cancer, to seek out the information and medical experts who can help you through this aspect of your life, and to make your own informed choices.” But for her, the decision ultimately came down to her kids. "I can tell my children that they don't need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer," she said. With a 1-year-old daughter at diagnosis, I can definitely relate to that. Deciding to do a double mastectomy and hysterectomy was a no-brainer for me, so that I have the best odds possible to be around for my daughter and husband.

 

I’m hoping Angelina will do the hysterectomy/oophorectomy next. You would think have 6 beautiful children is enough for her! And I hope reading this helped you become just a little bit more informed about your health and those you love.

Last One!

Pre-surgery

Wednesday was my FINAL (6^th out of 6) surgery of the year. I cannot even describe how glad I am to have it behind me. I’ve had enough IVs, anesthesia, and procedures to last me a lifetime! This one was particularly tough, as it involved two surgeons and three procedures. I feel completely run over by a bus! I had a full hysterectomy – ovaries and all – to prevent ovarian, uterine, and fallopian tube cancer, which are all linked to the BRCA2 gene that I have, that caused my breast cancer. My surgeon said that despite the risks, she’s only had 6 or 7 patients who were BRCA positive at my age do this procedure in the last 10 years, as most believe that even after having breast cancer, they think having other cancers can’t happen to them. The risk is up to a 40% for these cancers, which is something I just didn’t want to take. I want to be around a long time for our 2 year old daughter and my wonderful husband! And if the cancer should come back, I want to know that I’ve done everything in my power to prevent it. I’m very grateful that it is a laparoscopic surgery now, which means a two-week recovery instead of six weeks, but it is still a pretty difficult one.

A lot of people have asked how I felt about having a hysterectomy, at my age and with one child.  This was much more painful (emotionally) than the bilateral mastectomy. I felt so blessed to have gotten to experience pregnancy and feel little Stella kicking and growing inside of me. Babies are such true miracles! But the only thing worse than NOT getting to experience that again would be to not be around for the one we are lucky enough to have. So this decision, however difficult, was a no brainer. We do have three frozen embryos, so that if we are lucky enough to find a gestational carrier, we do have a chance at having another child of our own. Or we may look into adoption in the future. But for now, and possibly forever, Ben and I are completely fulfilled with our family of three. There are many people out there who don't get to find their soul mate, or experience pregnancy and motherhood! We are forever grateful for what we have. 

So, that being said.....normally I bounce back pretty quickly from surgery, but this one was particularly tough. It’s two days later, and I got to come home last night from the hospital, but I’m still walking around hunched over like an old lady, due to the piercing pain in my abdomen. Ugh!! I also had the final phase of reconstruction done: nipple creation and tattooing – a body part that you kind of take for granted until it’s gone! I feel like I look a lot more normal now. The plastic surgeon also took a little fat from my thighs and moved it to the top of my chest, to help make it look more natural, since it was just skin and implants. All in all, everything went very smoothly and I’m happy with the results – but I feel pretty banged up (in multiple places) in the meantime. The hardest part is trying to not let Stella climb all over me – it was so fun seeing her after being in the hospital for two days, but she just isn’t quite old enough to understand how gentle she needs to be. We told her that Mommy has some owies, and showed her the bandages over my new scars. She said “hello kitty band-aid for Stella too?” so we gave her one for her tummy, and Mommy’s tummy too. She thinks it’s pretty cute that we now have matching hello kitty band-aids.

So for now, I’m super grateful for all the help from Ben, my mom, my dad and Nancy, and Stella’s favorite babysitters as I get through recovery. And I’m SO appreciative of all the texts, calls, and e-mails – the love and support I feel has been amazing! And so fun to have my surprise visits from Blaire, Ashley (from Virginia!), and Kim at the hospital! Even if I was pretty out of it.

I’m going to sign off for now and try to get some more rest. I’ve gotten a little food down today and taken my meds – so now it will just take time to get me through this. Thank you in advance to my most incredible friends who have offered to bring dinners – I sure don’t feel like walking down the hall, much less making dinner, and I’m more grateful than you know. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and is doing something more fun than recovering in bed!

Cancer: 0, Alli: 1

I’m sitting at my LAST chemo treatment – hopefully forever! Because my port was so uncooperative last week, I had to get the IV in my arm again today – but that was ok with me! I can’t believe that after 5 months and 16 chemo treatments, this chapter is going to finally be OVER! To celebrate, I used real shampoo and conditioner on my hair this morning (instead of baby shampoo) – pretty exciting to have a half inch now! It will still take a while for my hair to get back to normal, so in the meantime please enjoy my exciting array of scarves and artificial hair. Ha! Extra special thanks to Ben for taking off work to be here with me today – getting confetti from the nurses, ringing the bell, and saying farewell to the oncology staff would not be the same without you!

This blog has been so therapeutic for me – I hope you all have learned a little more about what happens when someone goes through treatment for breast cancer, but more importantly, thank you for helping me create awareness for this terrible disease. No one should have to go through this, but if you do, the earlier you can catch it, the better. So, one more time – ladies, do those self exams, and go to the doctor immediately if you find anything suspicious! I so appreciate all of the love and support from each and every one of you – I truly could not have gotten through this process without you.

I will post updates when I have my next surgeries – I have two more to finish up reconstruction this year, and also to remove the port from my chest. I may even have my hysterectomy later this year, which is what the doctors want to do to reduce my risk of ovarian, uterine, and fallopian tube cancer, which I am at higher risk for because of my BRCA2 gene. I am in a place that whatever I have to do to fight and beat this, let’s do it in 2012 so we can move on to the next chapter of our lives. We do have 3 frozen embryos that are a chance for a sibling for Stella, but they would have to be carried by a gestational carrier. We will cross that bridge and make that decision at a later date. And for now, I will be on Tamoxifen for 5 years (1 pill daily), and come back for check-ups every 3 months for a while, then every 6 months, then every year. I’m so grateful for every minute and every day with my daughter, husband, family and friends – and I’m looking forward to getting back to our normal life without being at the hospital all the time!

Last but not least, on a patient’s last day of chemo here at Presby, the tradition is that the nurses all gather around and throw confetti, then you ring the bell on the counter while you read the poem. I will leave you with this:

Ring out
Ring this bell
Three times well
The toll to clearly say
My treatments are done
Its course has run
And I am on my way.

Drains out! Great news for Mimi and Ryan! And wig shopping!

I'm now 9 days out of surgery, and have been home since Saturday. I've had my ups and downs, as to be expected, but as long as I stay on top of my pain meds, I don't feel like I've completely been run over by a truck. I am slowly able to start weaning myself off of them though because they do make me very tired. Well, that, and I'm probably also tired because of the fact that I had major surgery and will barely slow down to rest. But let's get to the good part.....I am a free woman! I had my follow-up appointment at the plastic surgeon today and he took my drains out! After 9 days of having vials of blood hanging off me everywhere I go, I feel like a new woman - all I have now is antibiotic ointment, small bandages, and some surgical tape. He also said I am allowed to lift 10 pounds now instead of 5! Wow, that is great - except my precious baby girl is 26 pounds. So, I will still be needing help for a while....I definitely do NOT want to backtrack or go back into the hospital.

In other wonderful news - my mom had a scare with a questionable mammogram this week - but she was brave and had a biopsy, which just came back today, and it's all clear! Nothing could have ended our week with better news than that! She is in great hands with Dr. J. in Fort Worth now and we are also extremely grateful that she does not carry the BRCA2 gene that I have. Yippee! AND - we had my brother Ryan tested, and he does not carry the gene either. He had a 50/50 chance, and because this gene is also linked to cancers like melanoma and prostate cancer, he does not have the extra high risk for those now. Double yippee!

I have spent a few days this week wig and scarf shopping with my sister and my mom, and we had narrowed it down to our four favorite shops. We now officially have 3 wigs on order from our favorite shop, and we are going to choose one once they come in next week, in my specific hair color. They don't make you commit until they come in and you can try them on in your exact style and color. So - I'm not going to tell you which one - but a variation of one of these styles is the one that's going to be my wig for the next year or so. And I think you'll be able to tell which ones I was trying on just to be silly. But note: NONE of these exact styles/colors are going to be the real one. We have to wait for next week for it to come in. For now it's anyone's guess. :) I also went a little nuts and got 14 different scarfs, hats, wraps, etc for the days I don't feel like wearing a wig. (And I have 2 sleep caps, thank you to my Wednesday playgroup mommy friends!) Also, thank you very much to Ben and several of my girl friends (Blaire, Ashley, & Leigh) for offering to shave your heads along with me when I start losing my hair - but it is NOT necessary. Love y'all though!!! And thanks to Uncle Ryan for helping watch Stella while we shopped - she loved that! I have heard that you start losing your hair about 14 days into chemo, which will be in about 3 weeks for me. I think I'm all ready for this fight though - bring it on!

Needless to say, it's been a long day. I'm off to bed now - night night! :)

Bye Bye BC!

Actually, make that bye bye BC, bye bye Bs, hello expander implants, and hello pain. But the worst of it is behind me!!

Yesterday was the big surgery day. I was more and more nervous as each hour went by leading up to it, but at the same time ready to get the rest of these cancer cells out of me!! I got everything ready for my mom and the babysitters to take care of Stella for the rest of the week, packed for the hospital, and set my alarm for 4:15 am. Ben drove us through the pouring rain to Presby, we arrived at 5:30, got checked in, and said hi to all the staff and nurses who we've met along this journey. It's strange to feel like such a regular at the hospital! After the nurses took my vitals, confirmed my name/birthdate and procedure (bilateral mastectomy with expander implants for reconstruction), the chaplain said a prayer, the anesthesiologist started my IV, and Ben and I took a pic and gave each other big hugs and kisses, I got my 'margarita' in my IV and was off to the OR. The last thing I remember was looking at all the giant operating room lamps overhead, and all the people in the room bustling to get ready. I felt bad that all my family and friends were going to have to sit in the waiting room worried for the next 4 hours, while I was asleep. But the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room, with a nurse asking me to take deep breaths into this machine, which hurt so badly. My chest felt like it had been run over by a truck and crushed, so just taking a deep breath was nearly impossible. But - I was told the surgery had gone very well, with no complications, and most likely the cancer is all gone now - hallelujah!! Of course there is the chance that random cells could have slipped past the lymph nodes and traveled somewhere else in my body, which is why I'll be going through chemo, starting in about 2 weeks. But I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to fight this battle now, move forward, and hopefully not ever have to look back! I will also have to go back to the plastic surgeon several times in the upcoming months, so that he can slowly add saline through a valve in my expander implants, and bring me back to normal. That might just be the highlight of this whole process though – ha!

I then got moved to my room in the Perot building, and finally got to see my schnookems, yay! I took 3 naps yesterday - a record for me. I could barely hold my eyes open, and the nurses were having a hard time managing my nausea from all the pain meds, which weren't helping a lot either. With 2 IV's, 1 catheter, 2 drains in my chest, leg massagers to prevent blood clots, and only being able to lie flat on my back, I wasn't very comfortable, although it was just about exactly what I expected. When I finally got to see Ben, things immediately got better! He had written the sweetest note on the message board in my room and didn't complain once when I kept asking for water, pillows, and blankets.

My brother and mom were there too - and flowers started arriving! First from Ben and Kim H., who are keeping our Australian Shepherd this week - as if they hadn't done enough! And they sent flowers in the shape of a dog from Chopper too. :) Thank you to my MOPS group for the beautiful arrangement, and to Kim and Sarah who brought flowers in person. (Sorry the first thing I did was throw up! Nothing personal I promise, ha!)

I miss Stella so much, but I've gotten pictures and videos and even a balloon that says Get Well Mom. I'm so glad Ben got a chance to go home and see her for a bit last night too. She loves her "Da-eee!" Hopefully she's going to be able to come to the hospital to see me today. Even though my chest still hurts immensely, the support I'm getting from all of you, and knowing I'm winning this battle so far gives me the strength to continue fighting.

I love that Ben is staying here at the hospital with me – I know the couch/bed cannot be comfortable! And I love that my mom is at our house with Stella at night – she loves her Mimi and I think that helps keep her in a familiar routine, with her family around. Today is going to be a good day - I was told I might even get to shower! It's the little things that I'm appreciative of now. Still working on taking deep breaths - physically, and figuratively to get through this, but we seem to have my pain manageable now, and I think the worst is behind me. I have so much to live for and I'm determined to do just that. I've said this before and I'll say it again – please be aware of your body and get regular mammograms – if this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone! If I can prevent just one person from going through this nightmare, it will be worth telling my story a hundred times (now I know y’all don't want to hear this a hundred times so just go get checked out now!)

Karate....chop!

Today's update: This morning I had another appointment with the oncologist, Dr. M. She is so great! Today it was all positive news. She went over my lymph node results – and I saw the report with my own eyes – all negative! She reviewed my echocardiogram (also known as just an “echo”), which is the heart test that I took last week. It tested my LVEF (left ventricular ejection fraction), to measure the percentage of blood being pumped out into the body, during each heartbeat. It should be at least 50%, and mine was 65%, meaning I’m all ready for chemo as soon as I recover from tomorrow’s surgery – probably in about 2 ½ weeks. I told her to bring it on as soon as we can get started! She is going to give me a very aggressive schedule of chemo, which is because of how aggressive and fast growing my type of cancer is. The good news is that the more aggressive the cancer is, the better the chemo will work on it. It’s kind of like how in karate, you can take the enemy’s strength and use it against him. We are going to take cancer’s power and turn it right around on itself!

Science lesson of the day: I also met with the department at the hospital who did my genetic testing. They went over the BRCA2 gene that I have in detail, and explained what it meant to me. The BRCA2 gene functions as an “emergency brake” of sorts. It belongs to the tumor suppressor gene family. The proteins made by this gene are essential for repairing damaged DNA. Put simply, your body is making new cells all the time, by duplicating existing cells. If a cell has a flaw in it (i.e. a cell in the breast tissue), the BRCA2 gene comes along and acts as the emergency brake to stop it from duplicating, so that it doesn’t turn into enough cells to form a tumor. But in my body, the BRCA2 gene (which is made up of 84,188 DNA base pairs, the building material of chromosomes) is missing two tiny amino acids at position number 5,578. As a result of these mutations, the protein product of the BRCA2 gene is abnormal and does not function properly – which means cancer tumors can form. Pretty crazy that they can figure that out, just from me spitting in a cup!

What does that mean? In my lifetime, I have up to an 87% chance of getting breast cancer by having this gene – which is why I’m in this position now. And if I didn’t have a bilateral mastectomy, I would also have up to a 64% chance of getting a second primary breast cancer, unrelated to this first one. But now I will only have about a 1% chance – which proves to me that everything I’m about to go through will be worth it. Because of this gene, I also have a 27% chance of getting ovarian cancer in my lifetime, which means I will have to take some preventative steps in that department too, in the next few years. There are also other types of cancer I’m susceptible to, although these two are the most likely.

What’s next: Tomorrow morning is my next surgery. There will be about 7 surgeries total to get me through this – and this is #4 – the biggest one, a bilateral mastectomy and the first phase of reconstruction (expander implants). I am very nervous but excited to get the rest of these bad cells out of me! And I’ll be so glad to have this big step behind us. We have to be at the hospital at 5:30 am for my surgery that starts at 7:15. It will take about 4 hours, with 1-2 hours of recovery, then I have to stay in the hospital for 3 nights, or so they think. We will be negotiating – I think 2 nights will be plenty! If you want to visit, just text Ben or me for the room number – we’ll be in the Perot building at Presby. I know I will miss my baby girl but Ben has promised to bring her up there for a visit or two. A huge thank you to Ben for staying with me at the hospital, and to my mom for being in charge of Stella at the house – along with my brother, and all our other help! I could not get through all this without ALL of you. I feel so blessed for all the meals, flowers, cookies, gifts, cards, e-mails, calls, and texts you all have been sending. I just received a beautiful monogrammed blanket from my friend Tiffany K. to take with me to the hospital. And thank you, Dallas Moms Club, for the bags of goodies for both Stella and me – what a wonderful surprise! And I even got the nicest gift from Nicole, a friend of a friend whom I haven’t even met – a special pillow that wraps around me so that when I come home from the hospital, Stella can climb on her mommy without hurting the incisions or pulling the drains out. It’s amazing how a crisis like this brings out the most generous side of so many people. I am SO grateful.

I will update this blog as soon I am able to after surgery. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers!

Good news!

Today we got good news! Dr. B. called me and said that of my 4 lymph nodes they biopsied, they ALL came back negative. That means the cancer has not spread! And I don’t have to get bumped to stage 2! And they won’t have to take any more lymph nodes next week during my mastectomy! And I won’t have to get radiation! I am the happiest cancer patient (make that STAGE 1 cancer patient!) you have ever seen right now. :) I am actually looking FORWARD to my big surgery on Wednesday so I can continue the fight and get the rest of these bad cells out of me.

I’m including an illustration so you can see what this means. I know some of you are learning about all of this right along with me, so I thought this would help. Dr. B. took the sentinel (which means “first”) lymph node that was closest to my tumor, along with the 3 others closest to it. There is a whole network of lymph nodes in the breast/armpit area, but the ones he was concerned with were the ones closest to the tumor, because that’s where the cancer cells would have traveled to first, before spreading to other parts of the body. Since they came back clear, that means the ones farther away are clear too, so he doesn’t have to test those. However, I will still need to get chemo, because if one stray cancer cell escaped, it could have traveled through my blood stream, right through the lymph nodes, and ended up somewhere else. So the drugs I receive through chemo will attempt to knock out any stragglers so they won’t come back and haunt me later. But other than any random stray cells, the cancer has not metastasized to the lymph nodes or anywhere else.

My brother told me today that his friend has just scheduled her first mammogram because of my blog. It literally makes me tear up right now to think that someone could avoid all of this, I am SO happy. I know my sister has already scheduled hers too. THANK you all for listening to me. And a friend just told me she made her first donation to Susan G. Komen – you all are amazing! I wish I had acted sooner – I have known for a long time that I had a family history of breast cancer as well as other types of cancer, but I didn’t do anything about it. I wish I had gotten the gene test sooner, so I could have been followed more carefully by doctors. And I wish I had gotten mammograms sooner. But it looks like some good is going to come out of this. And hopefully when you all get your mammograms, you will get GOOD news too!  

Surgery #3

Throughout this process, we’ve had good news and bad news, steps forward and steps back. Today was surgery #3 and it was a little of both. (Surgery #1 was the cyst/tumor removal in December. Surgery #2 was egg retrieval last week. Today was sentinel lymph node biopsy and port placement. #4 will be next Wed – double mastectomy/reconstruction.) This morning my mom arrived just before 8:00 this morning to watch Stelle Belle. Thank you Mimi! She also had her sister (Aunty Lucy) with her. Thank you for the flowers, dinner, and lunch you brought, A.L.! Together they were excited to spend the morning with our baby girl. Ben loaded up the car and drove us to Presby.  I’m still not sure I could ever get through this without him. He is my rock, the love of my life, and the one always there for me. He has been there for me through tears and anger and disbelief as we fight this together. I can only hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

So we got checked in and the people immediately started flowing through our room – the nurses who took my vitals, the chaplain who said a prayer, and two volunteers who gave me a pillow that a church had made for me to put under the seatbelt across my chest in the car. It is very strange to be on the receiving end of these two nice ladies, as I have volunteered in hospitals and through Junior League for so long. It’s humbling and strange to think I’m actually the one on the receiving end of these kind people offering their help. Then the anesthesiologist came in and started my IV, and Dr. B. was next. He asked the nurse to close the door on the way out, so I knew this was going to be serious. He told us he had finally gotten the results of my gene test. He said I am BRCA2 positive. That means I have one of the two genes that cause breast and ovarian cancer. My first thought was how horrible it is that there is now a 50% chance that Stella has gotten this gene from me. Of course we will always have her health monitored closely, but now there is a real chance that she could go through this too. There is also a 50% chance that she has NOT inherited this (thank you Ben!), so until she becomes at risk in her teenage years, and we can get her tested, we will continue to think positive. Knowing I have this gene somehow does help me understand why I have to go through all of this right now, at my age. There have been so many unanswered questions – what caused this? Why did cancer choose me to invade? What could I have done differently to prevent this? And now I know. Although it is horrible, knowing I have the gene definitely solidified that I am doing the right thing to choose a double mastectomy, the most aggressive course of chemo possible, and keep all the treatments moving forward as quickly as humanly possible. It also means that I may have to have a hysterectomy at some point, because of the likelihood I could get ovarian cancer. The challenges keep coming, and I will take them – but I will cross that bridge after I cross this one!

The surgery itself went smoothly. Dr. B. placed the port in my chest so I will be ready for chemo as soon as I recover from the next surgery. Then he used the radioactive dye that was injected yesterday to find the 4 sentinel lymph nodes, and removed them so they could be analyzed. The second piece of bad news (besides the BRCA gene) is that the first lymph node looks highly suspicious. We won’t know until the end of the week for sure, but the possibility exists that the cancer has spread to at least one node, meaning that I would be classified as stage II, and could need radiation on top of everything else. Ugh!! This is so scary to me that it could have spread farther than we thought, and I have been freaked out all day by it, but I will do anything I have to do – bring it on! Cancer has picked the wrong girl to mess with!

I want to make a special acknowledgement to my friend Ashley who came over to keep Stella today for several hours, so that my mom and aunt could come up to the hospital. We appreciated that so much! Not to mention the magazines and snacks she sent for the waiting room and me, and dinner she brought us tonight. She had signed up for the first night on our Care Calendar (tonight) - which brings me to another point - thank you infinitely to Leah and all of my Wednesday playgroup mom friends for setting that up for us - I love you Leah, Mandy, Trammell, Kelsey, Sarah, Mary, Lindsey, Angele, and Claudia! (And Stella loves your boys!) And thank you in advance to everyone who has signed up to help us with meals - I can't tell you how much that takes a load off of Ben and me to not have to worry about dinner at the end of these long days at the hospital.  Last but definitely not least, thank you to my sister Tracey for the beautiful flowers – can’t wait to see you and Caitlin next week! Ben and I are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love, prayers, e-mails, texts, calls, facebook messages, and blog comments – feeling the love from each one of you gives us the strength to fight this even harder! We are trying to get back to each of you as quickly as we can, but please know in the meantime that we read and listen to EVERY message you send and appreciate it so much.

One last note. One by one, I’ve been initiated into several clubs over the last few years. First it was IVF. I thought we were the only ones in the world to go through such a challenging time, then through one friend at a time I learned that there were so many others out there that had been through it too, and that made it easier. Then when my water broke and Stella was born 5 weeks early, she had to go to the NICU for nearly a month, and suddenly I was introduced to countless friends whose children have had to be in the NICU as well. And now I am beginning to meet friends of friends, and cousins of friends, who have “welcomed” me to the breast cancer club. I just want to say I hope this is the LAST club that I EVER get invited to. Don’t get me wrong, sharing experiences during these difficult times helps me so much. And luckily my experience with the first two clubs had happy endings, and Ben and I appreciate and love our daughter more than anything else in the world. (I have a sneaky suspicion that that we would appreciate and love her no matter what though! I’m just sayin….) I just hope and pray that she doesn’t remember anything about her Mommy being in the BC club, and she can grow up innocently, the way she deserves. But the point here is this….I hope I do not have to join any more clubs anytime soon!